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Jan. 26th, 2015

So this article and these photos are great. And I appreciate people liking and sharing it, but...

Don't just like it or share it. I know a lot of people who would, but who would still judge me for my size. Maybe without even realizing it. Friends even. Good friends. I'm not the one they'd set up with a friend, or ask out with a certain group of people, or they wouldn't truly respect the words that come out of my mouth.

Don't be patronizing about it. Believe it. Live it.
People need to start dumping buckets of something on their heads or jumping over fires or putting bugs down their pants on video for Alzheimer's.I'm glad ALS got such publicity, but it effects .001% of the population. Approximately 20,000 to 30,000 live with it at any given time.

It's estimated that 5 MILLION people over the age of 65 have Alzheimer's (doesn't include Early Onset), and the U.S. will see a 44% growth of cases of Alzheimer's by 2025. How old will your parents be in 2025? How old will YOU be? By 2050, more than 115 million people worldwide are expected to have the disease.
Researchers are hopeful that a cure can be found, but they are ridiculously under funded, especially considering Alzheimer's is the #6 cause of death in the US. Alzheimer's research received $504 million in funding from the National Institutes of Health last year, while cancer received more than $5 BILLION. Breast cancer alone got more than Alzheimer's, at $674 million.

What can we do to raise awareness? Let's do SOMETHING or one day it won't be that distant relative, great auntie so-in-so you barely know (bless her). One day it'll be your mother or father, your husband or wife, if we don't find a way to prevent or cure it.

5 solutions to limits by Rita D.

Olympics-Opening ceremony
When you run into limits remember these 5 things.
1. You are connected to everything and as apart of all there is, you can accomplish anything that you work towards.
2. Sometimes the walls in your life are because you need new tools or ingedients. Reach out to experts, use the internet, and boldly ask questions. Find new tools and if they dont exist yet invent the tools.
3. Choose Love over fear every time you are making a decision. Love for yourself and everyone involved. Love for all of creation and mother earth herself. Strive to make decisions where everyone wins instead of just yourself. (This is always possible if we look hard enough.)
4. Think outside the box and find a solution that no one has tried before. We dont have to do things the way they have always been done. If we have put a great deal of thought towards something and it still doesn’t make sense maybe there is another path for us.
5. Recognise that everyone is afraid and they are often giving you advice based on their own fears. It doesn’t mean that it cannot be done it just means that they haven’t been able to find a way to do those things successfully.

Talking about Luke.

On Christmas Eve, a woman at work asked me if I had any kids. I paused for a moment.

It was interesting because the week prior, a few coworkers had been talking about being pregnant, giving birth, how much their babies had weighed, etc. I wanted to join in the conversation, but I knew if I added any of my experience, there would be further questions, and I'd end up bringing everyone down. So I just did my crossword and kept mum.

So when my co-worker asked if I had any children, I briefly considered just saying, "no," but I HATE saying that and I thought the woman in question seemed like an understanding sort. We've had many conversations and I like her, so I decided to go with the answer that I'm comfortable with...

I said, after the pause, "I had a son, but he passed away."

Well, my co-worker's eyes got wide (her face is pretty expressive), "OH," she said awkwardly.

I tried to explain, "It doesn't feel right to say no, as if he didn't exist."

"Oh," more awkwardness from co-worker, "OH."

"It just feels weird to say no, you know?"


Then I think, "Should I tell her he was stillborn? Five days before he was due? She might think I lost a 5 year old or 10 year old." As if my loss wasn't as worthy as someone who had. Like by not telling her I was putting one over on her.

I didn't say anything else that night.

Christmas night, I said, "Sorry if I freaked you out last night. I guess I just should have said no." Because her response wasn't the one I'd expected or wanted, I guess. Not really because I cared if I freaked her out.

She said, "Oh, you're fine. I just thought... 'bless her heart'... You're fine."

I feel like I can't talk about Luke. I hate it.
I'm having major back and knee issues and I believe it's being exacerbated by the shoes I've been wearing. I have a pair of Alegria shoes that are a few years old and I've worn them out. I went to the mall and tried on some styles that I've been perusing at the online shop. The one that felt really good was the Khloe style. My old style was Paloma (mary janes). So I know those are good. I need to get something before Mom and I go to Atlanta for the weekend. The ones on sale at the website (almost half price) that I'm thinking about are these:

A) Paloma Pop Hearts


B) Red Khloe


Which do you like better?

I may decide to spend less and get some athletic shoes on sale at Sears, but Alegria are the best I've ever worn.

ETA: I found these Daynas in town, half price, so I want with them... so comfy! I still want some Khloes, too.




These memes... always telling you to do what you're passionate about. What if you're not sure what that is?

I found this article, 8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love (, and one question that stood out was, "If money were limitless, what would you be doing?" That made me think. And I'm still thinking...

Film production? Culinary school? A convention-based company? Definitely something Habima-like.

I'll keep thinking, but I know I need variety.

And just because we're talking about PASSION, I'll add the speech about it from Buffy, during the episode entitled, you guessed it, Passion. Stir, passion, stir! I'm asking for it, universe!

"Passion… it lies in all of us.
Sleeping. Waiting.
And though unwanted, unbidden…
It will stir..Open its jaws and howl.
It speaks to us, guides us.
Passion rules us all and we obey.
What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments.
The joy of love… the clarity of hatred..
and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.
If we could live without passion,
maybe we’d know some kind of peace.
But we would be hollow.
Empty rooms: shuttered and dank.

Without passion…
we’d be truly dead."

— Angelus (BtVS - S2, Ep17)

ETA: OH. I should have just gone to WikiHow. They know everything.

ETA: Another article on passion-finding.


Spuffy Neck Kiss- by pamsblau
I think I was being flirted with today. It's been awhile. I'm usually clueless to it, but this guy let me know he was single, childless, lived alone, and hadn't had a girlfriend since 2000--all in the first two minutes of meeting him. Maybe he just likes to share.

I find it harder to tell if someone is flirting in real life. Online is easier, I guess because people are braver/more forward. Oh, you sent me a dick pic. Guess you wanna put it somewhere in my vicinity. I'm really glad guys don't just pull it out in person to let me know they like me. I'm not sure I would understand that was flirting, either.

Fat joke.

Shaun-- Shit
Today at Golden Living Friday bingo, Dad was staring at another table, then turns and looks at me and a little shock goes across his face. "I thought THAT was you, " and nods his head at the other table to the rehab resident who is at least 500 pounds. Then he just grins. Really, Dad? You can barely form a sentence most days, and when you can, THAT is the one you go with? Then I told my mom what happened and she practically busted a gut laughing. Comedians, these two. To be honest, she's better looking than me, so thank you, Elderlies!


Big Brother 16--Meet the Houseguests!

BBAU--Ben Eating by pronkoforder
I'm watching the video interviews of this summer's BB cast. I feel the need to note my feelings about each of them.

First I looked at the photos. The ones I liked the looks of were Christine, Joey, and Hayden. Immediately I want to set on fire the Duck-Dynasty-lookin'-motherfucker, Donny.

But let's see their videos, hosted by Jeff, the homophobe with a Republican housewife following from seasons 11 & 13.

Zach-- Biggest Douche ever. He's not horrible looking, but once his mouth opens, it's over. He keeps saying he's "here for 500 reasons and not a reason more"... Even Jeff, a previous Biggest Douche title-holder, was able to point out how stupid that was--you don't want more money? But Zach still didn't get it. He talked about how good his social game will be. Maybe he's a good actor. otherwise I call bullshit.

Victoria-- Aaaaaaahhh!!! HER VOICE! Just shoot me. Managed to listen to the rest of her interview, but my impression hasn't gotten better. Seems conceited and boring.

Joey-- I was waiting for this one. YES, BECAUSE HER HAIR IS AN UNNATURAL COLOR. Sue me! Aaaaaaaannnnd I was right! She is, indeed, a DELIGHT! Smart and fun! I have a good eye, people! (And in my defense, there is a boy with an unnatural hair color and he was NOT on my list of goodies. So there.)

Nicole-- Aww, she seems sweet. And she's a diehard BB fan, so maybe she'll do well. She seems a bit timid, though. We'll see.

Paola-- I think this is the one who is friends with Gina Marie? She's a lot smarter, but doesn't have much more tact. She thinks she's the shit, for sure. Not loving her at this point.

Donny--His interview is actually not so bad. Didn't condemn fags to hell once. He's interesting, but I reserve the right to dislike him later. I mean, camo and a tennis visor? I could dislike him for that alone, if need be.

Jocasta-- I'm regretting every time I uttered the words, "Bowties are cool." She's okay, but that tie is the size of her head. And I don't think she's a Doctor Who fan. She's a minister from Georgia. Pretty generic "outgoing, people person" personality. Meh.

Hayden-- Wow. Well, he's not what I expected, but I do like him. He's smart and seems kind. Also, he's a former hockey player! Me likey! He is the lovable long-haired cutie that McCrae was so far from last season. Please, BB Gods, do not let him have a showmance with a c**t!

Frankie-- This is the guy with the unnatural hair color. He's also the brother of Ariana Grande (who?--oh, a pop star I've never heard of) and a supposed YouTube sensation. To be honest, he's not as obnoxious as I thought he might be. He seems like a typical actor, though, so I could see it going either way. (No, really, I love you, actor friends. YOU KNOW THE TYPE I MEAN.) He'll be interesting.

Cody-- He's terribly cute. And seems pretty smart. Oh, then he says Jeff is his favorite HG of all time. Nevermind. Seriously, though, he could win. Although he does say he's afraid he'll "lose control."
*psycho theme song*

Derrick-- A police officer from Rhode Island. And he worked undercover. That should help. Seems nice enough at this point. He'll probably be my mother's favorite. If he's not a right-wing a-hole, I could back him.

Devin-- Oh my, my... Devin. Pretty! That So-Cal surfer boy accent was a surprise. He is built like a Mack truck, so may be an early target. Seems like a nice enough guy.

Christine-- Looks like a nerdy girl with tats. She's a barista and a superfan. I'm relating so far... Gamer! Yep, nerd. Hooray! I have a sixth sense, people. And she's confident. I hope she wins or at least lasts a while.

Amber-- Gorgeous southern belle. From Knoxville. Seems sweet, but boring. Don't think she'll bring much game. Possible coattail-rider/showmance gal.

Caleb-- He's from Kentucky! Seems a little overconfident with his thinkin' skills, but he's certainly nice to look at, so I hope I'm wrong and he stays for a bit.

Brittany-- Trying not to prejudge her by her name... And I shouldn't. She's smart and pretty, but not cocky or self-involved. Her downfall will probably be her lack of knowledge about the game.

It seems like the producers picked a super nice cast in order to dig out from the tremendous group of assholes they had last season. Let's hope that doesn't equal a hugely boring summer. I'm not convinced the abundance of "twists" they've added will be enough to make it interesting.

I'm excited, nonetheless. OF COURSE! Less than a week! BIG BROTHER 16!!!!!!!!

The days...

Buffy- Seeking Salvation
It's getting close to that day... the anniversary of that horrible day. Less than a month. I usually make an event for it on Facebook. Luke's Birthday in "heaven"... If there is a heaven, he's there. Not sure if I will this year. People are so judgmental.

Saying life gets easier after such a loss seems like a betrayal. Most people in grief support groups say it never gets easier, you just learn to manage with day to day life. The truth is it's hard to describe. Sure, it's not like the days and months, the year or two after Luke died. But there's always that hole inside me. And around this time of year, it's like an alarm that wakes up the pain. I'm just going through life and all of a sudden, seeing a pregnant woman or a baby, especially a newborn makes my stomach flip with sharp pains. Really, just going through the days is harder, like moving through life with lead for bones.

And I see people post "Everything happens the way it should (or for a reason)," or "universal timing is perfect," and I wish there was a way to virtually punch someone. And it's even worse when they start talking about God and his blessings. Fuck his blessings. But maybe they're thinking the blessing was on Luke. Not to have to live life with a mother like me.

Today's been awful. I'm too embarrassed to go into why, because just posting it would make some people judge me harshly when I don't deserve it. People are lying assholes--basically sums it up. But I still feel like a piece of shit. I can't write anymore. :'(


Joss is my god
Kelli, the Queen of Parenthesis
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